Pretend

strange oh so strange 

when it feels better being alone 

you accept there is no body else and set it in stone....

and then you came along

your complexion was so sad and strong

you make me believe once again that I could be wrong

They told me maybe she's crazy a little like you
Everyone said you were nothing but trouble and
All that I know is that I've never been here before
And no, I'll never leave, if it's alright with you
Dreaming of oceans while jumping in puddles and
All of my life I pretend you where there by the door
I don't need to pretend any more.

 Scott Porter and The Glory Dogs - Pretend

When I first time hearing this song in Bandslam, I liked it on the spot. It sounds so good, and the words are fit to hear.But most of all, I was attracted at the title itself and the last line 'I don't need to pretend anymore'. Yes, I'd like that, when we don't have to pretend for anything.

We human, especially Malay, love to pretend. We pretend to impress someone. We pretend to be someone else. We pretend to hide something rotten simply because we don't want to make a fuss out of it. We pretend not to hear something bad about ourselves when our friends talk about it because we are too scared of losing them. We pretend to like someone for the sake of a friendship even though he was the one who always make  fun of us and hurt us the most. Admit it. We are pretenders. 

And most of the time I'm in Nilai, I pretended. This time, I pretend to be someone else who I'd never be just for the sake of being accepted. 'You are now a university student. you should act mature unlike when you're in school', a friend once told me. I followed that and it was a regret. I should realize this from the beginning; the  key of being accepted is be who you really are. That was what I did in SBPIK and it remains the best moment in my life.

Back on the topic, yes, I'd really like it when I don't need to wear this mask of disguise anymore. Time for my metamorphosis.

Anterograde Amnesia

To talk about the things I have forgotten about is quite an impossible one, this is because I'm one of the people who suffers from anterograde amnesia or short term memory lost. I often lost my keys, and my friends would find it stuck to my locker, or on my bed or other obvious places where I often put them. Losing things is not a new subject to my dorm mates. Thank God they understand and helped getting through all the troubles.I would avoid keeping things, assignments for example, for my group mates because I can lost them in just 5 minutes.

Keeping tracks to the places I have gone to is another complicated matter. That's the main reason of why I don't have driver license until now. I prefer not to. I could get lost in the city or alien places in just a moment of  unconciousness.

Remembering names is another problem to me. If you knew me from a convention, an event and meet me for just once or twice, I'm sorry, I can't remember your name. Its like my brain has a limited Random Access Memory (RAM) and many things to be put. Mind you, so far, I can only remember just a few, not more than 10 of my primary school friends and the names of secondary school friends are now fading. It's not that they are unimportant to me, but my disability distorted me.

Almost every Jumaat prayer in my hometown, I would get a stranger talks to me, laughs, and I would entertain him for a little while. The problem is when they started to ask "Do you remember me?", I would abruptly say "I'm sorry, no." and they would walk away. It is a disappointment, not only to them but also to me.

That story about my teacher, I will tell in another post. =)

When I went back home last week, I had buy a new sport shoes, for futsal and jog as planned. Yeah, to get rid of this excessive fat in me. I carried it in a plastic beg, not in my back pack. It was fine from the home, into the bus until I get to KL Sentral. I then took a KTM trip from KL to Nilai. As soon as train arrived at the Nilai station, I walked out swiftly, hands free. The train's door shut and prepared to leave. I can't help noticing the people in my coach keep staring at me. It took me 10 minutes after that to realize that I left my shoes in the train.

As I mentioned earlier, this is not a new problem. I had lost a lot of thing that way. In fact, there must be something I left back home and I would only realize it when I needed them. This happens to everytime I went back home.


Googling the Internet for the causes and diseases related to this problem, I was shocked. There are 22 lists of  causes and I hope mine is not among many which are severe. To date, I'm still waking up everyday searching for my keys and I hope someday, this could stop.

I'd like myself to remember names, going through the day without losing my keys, or wallet, and not worrying about tasks and assignments. I'd like that. Really do.

Lessons From Choki Choki...

As I arrived at my home last week, my brother, Izu, reached for my hands and left a sum of money in it.

I smiled and wondered.

"What is this?" I asked him.

"Err.. In Malaysia we have this thing called MONEY", he answered briefly.

"yeah. I know that silly. What is it for?" I replied, laughed at his stupidness.

"I did owe you right? But, I'll pay more soon. This is just half of it." he answered.

Yes, he does owe me but I don't expect for a return. He asked me to buy him a pair of shoes and I did, to fulfill my responsibility as a brother. If I didn't, who will, right?

"Where did you get this much? I won't take it if you get it from mom" I asked after a short silence.

"Haha.. I'm richer than you now, you see. I can get Rm 120 for two weeks", he answered, leaving me blank again.

"What exactly are you doing?" I was eager to know more.

"Easy. Choki Choki. I sell it in the hostel, the students have no choice than to get it from me. haha.." the proud face was in his face. It was in mine too.

He was caught before selling sausages to the student. His method, buy a lot of cheap sausages and fill it in a pail of hot boiling water, the well-known method by desperate students for generations. And sell it for fifty cents per sausage. 

I'm not actually worried of him getting caught or senior students cheating him. That school he's in, is my legacy. 

My eldest brother, and my cousins was in there and no senior students has ever actually touch him. The only thing I worried about, and I ought to, is the warden.

And now, Choki Choki?? I have no idea. It's not that my parents don't feed him enough or not giving him pocket money, in fact, my mother always complaining about him asking her to visit every weekends. It's just that he loves to has money on his effort.

I once asked him of what he wants to be and the answer has never changed. "I want to be a businessman. I want to buy a lot and lots of cows and sell it. Then I want to buy a lot and lots of cars and sell it too." Obviously, I don't know what he choose to keep. But that is his answer from kindergarten -I remembered my mother's friend, his teacher told us about it and we laughed so hard- until now.

He's a good student, I can say that. With his results of 4A's in UPSR and 6A's 2B's in PMR, we are proud of him. But he never shows much interest in sciences although he scores them. Guess that numbers, or in this case, money, are very much of his interest.

The story of him and Choki Choki taught me a lot of things. I have most everything that he has, or even more, except for the fact that he's taller than me and quite tougher too, but I can't beat him in this matter... That also leaves me with a question, "Why can't I?"

Yes, my father forbids me to work as part time when I was in 3 months holidays or what, but that's not an excuse. 

Also, the story of him and Choki Choki taught me of one thing. To gain money is a lot of effort and the effort don't have to wait for a degree or a master.

And, about the money he gave me, I'll think of something useful for him, InsyaAllah.. ^^

Aku RINDU stage!!

Kalau ade orang tanye aku ape yg paling aku rindu skali kat Intek, tanpa segan silu aku akan cakap 'stage bersama kawan2!!' 

Sedar x sedar, da 2 taun da aku x menjejakkan kaki ke stage.. Kalau kat sekolah dulu aku lah muke naek stage tp xde la sampai cam Abang Awan kan. Die tu selebriti kelas pertama.. haha..

Mase mula2 aku menjadi sangat gila kepada stage ni adalah mase Sensei Sum Li Fung (sekarang Josephine Ong) mintak aku menjayakan sebuah sketsa bahasa Jepun... and that was the time when I realised my talent..

Sebelum tu ade jugak la buat show sket2 kat skolah dulu.. nasyid2.. (knapa x percaya??)

but that was the time I realised that I actually can act..

But the best part was in the night, after Cikgu Asmui watched my sketch, he asked me to go to a theatre performed in Taman Budaya.. yg bestnye, aku sorg je dak form 2 mase tuh. yg len sume abang2 senior form 5.. it's a kind of a recognition for me back then...

Lepas tuh aku mule la menjebakkan diri ke dalam industri ini. haha...Lepas 1, 1 stage show aku buat.... yg best skali bile ade Syah, Afeeq ngan Cik Din. mmg aku suke sgtla...

Tapi skang da jarang jumpe, apatah lagie nak nek stage sesama.. Harapan je lah..

Ape-ape pon.. aku masih lagie menunggu surat jemputan dari sekolah ke.. nak suh aku wat performance pulak ke.. tapi mmg x la kan.. se hot-hot syawal pon xde offer dr sekolah. huu...

oklah.. membebel pnjang pon x gune. xde orang nak baca pon.. huuu~

bye2. salam.. =)

A@RoN Talks about L.O.V.E

We were in the Critical Thinking and very bored. Our eyes were glazing over and this close to Nirvana.
then suddenly Asyraf asked me the golden question 'How far would u go for your love'. Abruptly I answered 'As far as she wants me to and as far as I could'.  Then he laughed before continued...


'It's not necessarily to be a girl and it's not the destination I asked.. It's more to friends.If he or she needs an organ transplant, would u give it to them?'

I was taken aback for a second. Never thought of that before. To be exact, I never had a love before. Yeah I did once, in the 3rd form but it was a mistake that I would never repeat *dun ask i wont tell*. And maybe it doesn't even categorised as a love.

It was so much hurt I couldn't forget it to these days. and from that on, I prefer making friends and dare not take or consider a person more than just friend...

I'd enjoy companies, laugh and jokes, sharing problems, they are all good for me. Not a problem. Until one extend, when I feel that this companionship is getting more and more serious, I'd freak out. I just couldn't help thinking that the same thing, the same feeling, the same hurt I got from the previous relationship would come back. I'm just too afraid to take the risks.

Even when a girl starts to pronounce herself as 'saya' and me as 'awak', I'd get the goosebumps for sure.

So, what'd I do? I'd take the vow of silence until they too are quiet and everything back to normal. No more messages, not even comments on Fb. I'd not even dare to pick up phones when they called. I'd do this until I think that they're with somebody else. It's painful but worth it. at least, I don't have to bear a higher level of suffering..

I'd not be like this forever, though. It just that I prefer to wait for the right one. For the record, I said a lot of that L words before, but it barely brings any meaning. Just friends...............

Referring to Asyraf's question, as a friend, I'd  take whatever it requires to please them. It's because friends are what it is left to me now, a part of my family. =)

Aaron is back

1) Sorry for not being able to update this blog for such a long time.

2) I'm having my mid term examination now, so i'm quite busy.

3) have just finished my oral com presentation about Xenotransplantation. 

(thank God madam Aziemah and my fellow classmates liked it)

4) Having a sort of complication with a particular person. 

(not my favourite and don't wanna talk about it)

5)Yaya Zamimi had just 'renovate' my blog with new templates.

(thank you!!)

6) I'm ready to update this blog with lost of new posts!!!

Say Hi

I'm a very forgetful person. Sometimes it's good because it makes me a quick recoverer as I can forget people and what they did bad to me very easily. But sometimes it's very burdening. I keep on losing my things and stuffs.

When I was a little boy (still am), I had this neighbor kid who was two years older than me. His name is Khaidir and he has a cute little sister named Nora.He also had a great grandma whose name I forgot. =P

Being the only kid in my grandparent's house, I was very lonely. My grandparents who are both involved in business were very busy, days and nights. My youngest uncle back then was 6 years older than me and we didn't play much.

Everyday after got back from school, Khaidir would go to my house and pick me up for strolls around the village. We spent most of the time fooling around, teasing cows and goats, playing hide and seek with other kids, and other things that village kids do. Khaidir is the most important person in my youngest days, I would say. He taught me how to fish, climb up trees and to hide in places people would never expect. My favourite part was when he took me to his house. I rarely went into his house, though. I love to spent my time with his grandma and have a tea in my favourite old tiny cup. 'this was a gift from a Japanese', she always says. Then she would tell me wonderful tales which I miss till these days.

In the end of the day, when sending me home, he would pat me on my head and says 'great day, huh? we'll play again tomorrow'. And he was always being true to his word. He'd come again the next day.

Until one day, after the death of his grandma, they decided to move. i didn't knew where to, but i knew that we could never spend our days together again. and that was the last time i ever saw Khaidir.

Years after that, I got to stay with my family in Bandar Jengka. On one morning, somewhen after SPM, my mother asked me to go to shop to buy some groceries.

As I arrived at the counter, I noticed that the guy in front keep on looking at me. It didn't really bother me, i'm used to that. haha.....

'Luqman, rite? Grandson of Tok Rasyid?', he said.

'Ermm.. yes. i'm Luqman. Grandson of Tok Rasyid', I replied with a smile.

'Haha.. do you remember me?' he asked me back.

'Ermm.. sorry, i don't. have we ever met before?' I answered him sincerely. and stupidly.

'Err.. really? u don't know me?' he said.

And as I always get that kinda question everytime I went to the mosque to perform Jumaat prayers, I answered him abruptly. ' Actually,NO.' I said. Then he turned back and picked up his things from the counter.

I really felt bad about it, but what can I do? I just can't pretend to know someone when I'm not.

As soon as he paid for his stuffs, he looked at me again, but this time, his right hand was right on my head. He patted me slowly and said, 'great day, huh?' and ended it with a smile.

That was when I noticed something was different. For all these while I've been longing to hear that voice again. I was stunned and he was gone.

On the way back home, I kept on thinking of who he was but I just can't. I was really disappointed. Just if i say 'yes, of course, i do know you', everything would be different.

After taking a long nap in the afternoon then I knew who he was. But he was so different. That skinny little boy has somehow became a matured looking guy.

That very night I asked my mom about his family and to my surprise, they moved just to Bandar Jengka. I have no idea. The next day, I asked my mom to show me his house and she did.

Now I know his home, what it takes more is just the gut to knock on the door and say 'hi'. but that's what lack in me now. Sometimes when I passed by his house, I'd saw his gorgeous sister Nora watering the flowers. Oh how I wish I have the courage to say that little word 'HI'.

TAGGED XD

this is not what i usually do but, uh,

i was tagged by a beauty named Annaliese,

so here it goes.

1.What is on my mind right now?

uh.. as a CFSIIUM student, i'm pretty sure it's all about our ALLOWANCE.

i'm getting bored of false alarm and wishful thought.

moreover, the date with Syahrul and Nurudin tomorrow is only ON if i got my allowance.

2. What's your nickname?

AaRon for sure. its the name PLKN mates and IIUM collegues known me of.

but let's the history behind it circulates around the Mercurian only, ok? =)

3. Name 3 of your beloved people...

ermm.. this is hard. no offense but here it goes:

1. Fatimah binti Mohd Ali (my mother)

2. Mohd Saidi bin Abd Rashid (father, huh!)

3. Syahrul, Afiq, Nurudin, Yaya, Mizy. Abby

(i've decided to do this in a bunch as i love them all just the same)

as for the others, i still love u but there's limit applied on this tag. =)

4. What do you call your lover?

Allah S.W.T. He got 99 names but i prefer calling Him with this.

He's there when i need support the most, understanding, and breaths me to this world. literally. how could i love anyone else?

5. What do you want from someone special?

Erm.. nothing have i ever wanted more than a healthy, long-term relationship.

loyalty and trust would be enough above all.

6. Which blog i love to visit?

let see... i stay on9 quite half a day if i dun have classes so, i'll visit whatever appears on my home. but what i love most are Yaya Zamimi's and Faridzul Asyraf's.

7. Please tag this to 15 followers.

IT'S PAYBACK TIME.... so i'll tag on Yaya Zamimi, Dzatil Awanis, Arnis, Fatin Fatah, Zaza, Nafisha Fisha, Cik Rina, Nirzan Putra, and Syarafina .hoho.... let see how they have it their way.. muahahahhahahahaa

(sorry i dun have enough.. =P)

so, there is it rite?? i did it didn't i? hoho..

this is my first time and all..

guess i didn't screw any part of it though. haha..

ok2. please enjoy your reading.

My Greatest Regret

i was born the second son in my family, and we're all boys. i lived with my grandparents at the very early age of my years, and maybe they quite pampering me back then. when i got to live with my nucleous family, that hadn't been changed. i kinda got everything i wanted even i has 3 more brothers after me. if my parents couldn't get it for me, everyone else would.

i was in the standard 5 when my mother was having my sixth brother in her oven. it was a saturday night, and as saturday nights in Jengka, there's always a night market held in the town.

my eldest brother and i was craving for delicious Yong Tau Foo in the night market, of the very stall i would go for everytime i want to.

my mother just get back form her work and my father wasn't yet. she was all worn-out and her tummy was huge. she was 9 month pregnant, oftenly went to the toilet and i'm quite sure her back was killing her. but still, she is a teacher , and a teacher doesn't give up quickly.

my eldest brother, (i'm not quite remember how old he was) and i kept on mentioning her promise that was made in the saturday night before. She promised for Yong Tau Foo.

she kept telling us that she was too tired, but as a child on our age, that didn't satisfy our pleasure.and she then made the decision that i'm sure every mom would do for the sake of her children pleasures. we went to the night market.

my mother drove and we walked into the night market. Saturday's nightmarket in Jengka is very long, and noted that, the stall was right in the middle, full of crowd and noises. my mother was standing there, with her huge tummy, waiting for her turn to get the delicious food for us.

as soon as she got to us, she held her stomach for a while. 'i don't feel good', she said. then we went straight to the home.

my father hadn't got back from his work yet, like he does everyday. so my mother asked for our neighbour, who is actually one of our close relatives to rush her to the hospital, when my brother and me rushed to the kitchen to enjoy our long-wanted meal.

i peep through the window to see my mother and when i saw them picked her up to a car, i rushed out, begging for them to take me along. and as always, i got what i wished for.

my mother spent the rest of the night in the ward, and me waited at the outside, thinking of what she has gone through.

the morning came and i received a good news and a bad news from my recently arrived father. the good news was my mother has successfully delivered a baby. the bad news was the baby died as soon as it was born.

the doctor claimed that the baby died because of suffocation in the womb. his theory was that my mother has gone for along walk and very tired, so she couldn't make enough oxygen for the baby.

i was startled. i knew what have i done. i'm a killer at the very young age. i'm that kind of brother who doesn't even give his brother to take his first breath in this world. he hasn't have that chance, and i'm the reason for it. and the worst part of it was that i did it for a bowl of Yong Tau Foo.

at that very moment, i was like want to shout my little heart out..
'i don't want Yong Tau Foo anymore. i want my brother!'
but i knew, nobody would hear me this time, and that was the only wish nobody could realize.

the funeral was quick. i saw his face. blue, pale, cold but very handsome. i went to my mother. she was also blue and pale. but she held that smile and comforting me. as soon as i walked out of her room, she broke down. THAT was when i knew her smile was a lie.

From that moment, i've been holding this principle real close to me.

Of everything i do, family comes first because for now, i'm carrying extra responsibility for them: from me and for the behalf of my mistake, Allahyarham MUHAMMAD ABDULLAH bin MOHD SAIDI.

Al-Fatihah.....